happy sundaes

i haven't posted here in the LOOOOONGEST time... but, oh well...

merry christmas, guys!

tas malapit na mag-new year!

and then valentines na...

i need a love life.

haha.:)

anyway, hope you guys enjoy the rest of the holidays!

have fun, everyone! (uy, rhyme!)

*hugsforall*

i love you.<3

vihuela took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

so f*in true.

haha...and can i just say, tapos na ako. sawa na ako. natauhan ako eh.  ayoko, di ko kaya...

sorry na lang...sorry talaga.  i just can't.  problem is, i don't know how to say it to your face. kawawa ka naman...i'm really so sorry for all of this...napaasa ata kita..

i'm just so sorry...

you're so young..and you won't be able to catch up with me.

ayoko talaga...i can't...

at na-realize ko, iba talaga gusto ko eh...

kaso meh chini-chicks na, mehn!:)) 

parehas lang tayong frustrated.:)

at dahil sa bagyong ito...haaay...meh namimiss akong tao.:"> hehe...ayoko mang aminin...nakaka-miss din siya.  ang cute kasi eh. 

grrrrrr...

hindi ko alam kung gusto kong paniwalaang seryoso siya...or otherwise.  ewan. naguguluhan ako.  bottom line is..i totally think you're adorable...:)

it feels like the sound "ng" makes. nnnnggggg....haha...eh yun ang kilig para saken eh.ba't ba?

at lecheng bagyo, brownout sa kanila...hindi tuloy siya makapag-charge ng phone at di tuloy maka-reply sken...:( kmusta na kaya xa?:">

ops...guys, wag munang mang-intriga...saka na pag meh nadevelop..at saka na pag naging medyo seryoso na..la pa namang naco2nfirm eh...thank god...parang masaya na ako sa kilig-kilig lang...

but no...i don't even know how old he is...ayan ah, one clue: HE. isa po siyang lalake na hindi ko alam kung ilang taon na.at dahil hindi ko alam, medyo issue siya sa akin. basta yun na yun.

awwww....i totally appreciate it when you say that you miss me. seryoso ka man o hindi, natutuwa ako...:)

mukhang tinamaan yata ako
sharumdaremshadarem...
kapag tumibok ang pusoooo...

grrrr....sana magka-kuryente na kayo para makapag-charge kna dahil...nalulukis na akesh kaka-wait sa pag-arrive ng text mo...



and by the way...goodluck sa auditions mo..:">

haha.  

eto yun eh.  sayang.  cool ka na sana.  pero hindi eh.  hanggang sana ka nalang.:))  pumatol ka pa sa jologs.  lalo ka pang jumologs...  oh well, too bad...  

with me, you almost had class...

tangina mo, i swear...  panget.

and you thought i wouldnt find out, but i did.

never cheat on a girl with a wide social circle.

 because i know i'm better.

 

a lot of people love me.

 

i don't need someone just so i can be complete.

 

i'm strong. and this is not going to kill me, it will only make me stronger.

 

i'm smart and will not put myself in another position that will just hurt me.

 

i AM happy where i am.

it's just a matter of facing things in a positive light.  there's a better, more beautiful world out there for me.

 

i will not let this ruin me.

 

because i am too beautiful and precious an individual to be destroyed.

i am letting go the things not worth holding on to.

rayna vihuela g. reyes is not weak.  is not crippled. is very much complete.

because even though i was hurt,i will not let the pain affect my being.

 

i've finally decided to stop caring about the people who don't love me.

 

they don't deserve my time or sympathy.

 

i will not give up the things dear to me to those who won't appreciate my sacrifice.

i'm taking things as they are, without illusions, without false hope.

i know every passing day will just get better. 

and one of these days, i'll just wake up and completely forget you.

its days like this i dont know what to do with myself...

--sullen girl, fionna apple

really, i don't. i have to take my mind off the things i shouldnt be thinking about...

i wish i had a button to just switch this insanely painful feeling off.

...how could she move on so quickly? how come she's much better off?...

how could she fall out of love so easily..?

i miss her.i miss her.i miss her.

i've been crying for four days straight and i cant help it.

i want her back in my life...in my arms..to hold her, kiss her..

to tell her how much i love her...

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhh!!!!that horrible,horrible, monster of my girlfriend's ex!!!!!!argh! i can't help but to scream and rant and whine like a brat right now.

you try to be friendly to people whom you would, on normal situations, be aggravated against..and what do they give you?rudeness!

putang ina..that bitch!!!


copied from our ym conversation:
*smileys not copied here*
Kristine Ann Lozada:ay sabi ko pla dun sa kailala ng arthur m na hi from rayna, but im not rayna heheh
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:02:16 AM): nyeh, eh i don't want that guy ever hearing from me again eh..
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:02:33 AM): well then, i'll tell maridi you said hi. i'll just return the favor.
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:02:59 AM): pls do..and tell her i love her so much and take care 
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:03:11 AM): alright, will do.
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:03:18 AM): thanks
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:03:45 AM): does it feel awful knowing na she doesn't love you anymore?
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:03:52 AM): ha?..
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:03:56 AM): nyek
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:04:12 AM): ...na even if we break up she'll never ever take you back?
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:04:24 AM): i bet that's a bit sad..
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:04:38 AM): hehehe kapeke i dont hv plans 
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:05:04 AM): you're one big sarcastic bitch, arent you?
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:05:39 AM): grabe and now inaaway mna ko..promise khit mahal ko divina m dko na xa babalikan, dnt worry..
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:05:51 AM): so you do love her?
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:05:53 AM): sad...
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:06:05 AM): you started it kasi eh.
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:06:07 AM): oo nman she knows dat, mahal nya dn nman ako e
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:06:26 AM): haha..no she doesn't. she hates you to pieces.
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:06:32 AM): after what you did to her?
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:06:40 AM): no, nandidiri siya sayo.
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:06:48 AM): o cge na nga kung jan ka masaya cge d n nya ko mahal, she hates me she hates me
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:06:54 AM): you know why she didn't give you head the last time she fucked you?
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:06:59 AM): because she hates you.
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:07:01 AM): oo na oo na :0
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:07:08 AM): you disgust her.
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:07:12 AM): shhhh..oo na d n nya ko mahal 
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:08:26 AM): i just don't understand why you still aren't over her..
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:08:36 AM): nyek hehe
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:08:39 AM): damn, i'm so lucky pala noh...?
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:08:41 AM): cge n nag
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:08:50 AM): nga
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:08:53 AM): yes u are
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:08:58 AM): ang daming gumagapang para lang keh maridi...and she wants ME.
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:09:08 AM): o nga..grabe
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:09:30 AM): kakainggit ka naiiyak nko
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:09:32 AM): hehe
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:10:03 AM): cge na, i shouldn't be wasting my time on try-hards and wannabe's.
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:10:11 AM): hehe
Kristine Ann Lozada (6/1/2006 12:10:14 AM): kapeke
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:10:16 AM): and i don't want to be rude.
vihuela25 (6/1/2006 12:10:18 AM): tata.

when i told her maridi and i were fighting, she simply replied, "isang kama lang yan....kulang lang kayo sa sex.". (ayan, diyan nagsimula pagiging bitch ko sa kanya.would you believe she had the audacity to talk to me like that????)aaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!putang ina, pano ang libog libog kasi niya eh!!!!nakakatagal ako ng isang buwan na walang sex!eh siya???ni isang araw di makapagpalipas ng kati ng singit niya...un lang alam niya...putang ina.nakakakaasar talaga.
grabe!hindi ko na-take!nabastos ako ng todo!grrrrrr.....and i know it was immature to pick on her like that...kaso i didn't want to go down without a fight...tang ina...she shouldn't be talking about me and my girlfriend like that...kahit ex niya yun...nakakaasar talaga!!!!!

kasi...sinabihan na nga ako ni maridi na wag kong kausapin yung psychomaniacbruha na yun eh...i should really learn to listen to my girlfriend more.-_-

grabe..it was sooo much fun.:) ang saya...met aLOT of people...at ang dami na naming inside jokes ngayon.:)) haha...hanggang ngayon di ako mka-get over...ung mga, "what's a girl like you..." at ang "TARTUUUUF!!!!" at ang..."FROM UKRAINE!"...mga india, mga bf..mga pua li...(did i spell that right?)...ang mga sergio, dove, ryan, sasa, at leo.:) ang barbara's buffeteria..:)) ang walang kamatayang blueberry cheesecake at pastillas.:) daming nabuong memories sa apat na araw namin sa ccp.:) dumugo ang mga ilong nameeeen!!! at nag-attempt pa ang iba na mag-spanish, french at chinese. (na-try ko lahat!naLoka ako.) in fair kay pia, napatunayan niya na marami siyang natutunan sa flc...at keh nevs at apag.:)) mga dakilang translators...kasama na rin pala c LA, kasi nkpag spanish na xa...c ic in charge sa mga intsik...:) at c tina...nagHakot ng maraming...pictures.wahaha.:)) di namen na-take magsalita ng ukraine at romainian...ang hirap eh!kelangan muna matuto ng dila mo mag-gymnastics dahil babaluktot ng todo...
grabe..kahit nakakapagod siya, it was so thrilling.:) dami naming natutunan...and it was avery big deal for many of us to be performing sa main theatre.:) i have to admit..na-excite talaga ako sa fact na sa main theatre kami mgpPerform.it was such an honor..kahit wala mxadong nanood, main theatre pa rin yun!:))
my favorite memory was when during one lunchbreak, naabutan namin ang mga taga-bf nagja-jamming with their giant tambols, and roberto playing the flute.tapos the african women were all dancing...enter the peruvians with their weird percussion instruments, then the pinoys with the rainmaker, the bungkaka, and the strange chimes.:) it was an international jamming session.:) and it ended all too soon...:c the best talaga yun..nakaka-high.:)
nakakatuwa sobra.:)
we were all a bit sad after the show...na-attach kami sa experience eh...kahit ilang days lang yun, at hindi naman kami close sa mga tao-tao, na-attach pa rin kami..
after the "curtain call"we all got group pictures (except c tina, dahil sinolo ang mga boys.hmph!>.<), and gave each other hugs..ang sweet nga eh, di naman kami close sa isa't isa, pero nagkalat ang mga germs namen dahil sa dami ng hugs at beso-beso.:)
and then tuloy ang kodakan during the reception, konting chika pa, and then it was all over...they went back to their hotel rooms at nag-ready na to leave this country...haaay...goodbye.:) pero no-tears formula ang goodbye namen.:) just hugs and waves, and lots of wide smiles.:) 

oh well...till the next time TA gets to join an international theatre fest.:D

im falling down.

and my heart's the first to go on this sinking ship.  there are times when i feel like giving up.  when i think that nothing's worth putting up this fight.  and we fight for our lives, and we fight for the things we think are right.  and you know i love you, but you knowing is never enough.  we give and we give, that we eventually turn to giving up.  i hold you in my embrace, and the pride you hold turns into fear. your head's trembling on my shoulders, i feel your hands shake.  and i hear a sob you try to hide.  you wipe your tears pretending i don't see.  but i can see through you, look in you, and i find you wounded and torn, but you won't let me fix you.  i add another gash to your bleeding knee, it's no surprise you're afraid of me.  i strip off my bandages, alone, in the dark.  i feel the cold wind on my bare skin.  my wounds are still raw, and i'm still raveged by the pain, but i choose to put a smile on my face. 

see, i'm wounded, just like you.  but somehow i've made it through.  my wounds are left open, and you're free to hurt me. 

kamusta naman at puro pasa ako. nagbugbugan kasi kami ni maridi nung isang araw. haha. para kaming mga bata.

kahapon nag-away kami. actually magkaaway pa rin kami. inaagaw raw kasi ng TA panahon ko. haaay... ang hirap mag-explain..xempre mga taga-TA maiintindihan ako kung bakit hindi ka maka-hindi pag meh pinagawa sayo. haaay...ewan.basta, ang hirap din i-explain kung bakit gusto kong i-pursue ang TA..kung bakit MOST of us are so passionate about our work..(MOST kasi ung iba diyan...haay..ic kilala mo na un..eck.leche..sana meron akong human eraser para mabura na xa...)

anyway, so ayun..

actually naaawa rin ako sakanya. pero hello? i make it a point to spend time with her naman eh...ako pa. hindi pa ba sapat yung 24 hours kaming di nagkakahiwalay pag weekends?...2sabado na kaya ako hindi umuuwi dahil sa kanya...

tapos kahapon nga, nag-away kami. para kaming bata, nag-mercy nalang kami. lam niyo ung larong un? ung nititwist mo ung arm ng kalaban mo hangang sumigaw siya ng "mercy" or "surrender". talo ko siya..3 or 4times ata..hehe...

pero talo naman ako sa bugbugan. kasi nung natatalo na siya sa mercy, bugbugan nlang kami..at kamusta naman, parang pinepersonal ang laro namin. parang gusto niya talaga akong saktan. parang lang naman.  natakot kaya ako. aba, iyak ako ng iyak kahapon. naghi-hysterical ako dun sa apartment nila..kahiya kaya..pero hello, kung ikaw ba naman masaktan ng ganun?plus the fact that you're torn, and you can't explain why you're not supposed to choose..and she's not supposed to make me choose in the first place!kung mahal niya ako, di niya ako papapiliin..nung pinapapili ko xa between texting her ex, or staying with me, chika lang yun...di ako ganun ka-praning. insecure,oo. pero hindi praning.she can  text all her exes for all i freaking care. 

...haay..

malapit na.

iiwan niya na ako, im sure. 

wala lang, tandaan ko kasi, sa mga movies, kunwari ang character ay isang neurotic artist (writer, painter, actor, whathaveyou..) tapos meh lover silang hindi artist, hindi maiintindihan nung lover kung bakit napaka-devoted ng artist sa kanyang art. pero that doesn't mean na hindi niya mahal ung lover niya..ganun lang kasi when you're so passionate about something..nasa sistema mo siya eh.doon umiikot buhay mo.kahit takasan mo, hndi mo magawa.kasi sinusundan ka niya.nakaka-consume...parang sa isang taong mahal mo...kaya hindi ka makapili..pag iniwan mo ang isa, para kang napilayan..mawawala isang bahagi ng pagkatao mo..

kung mahal niya ako, dapat tanggap niya kung sino ako. theatre is something that i'm a part of, and is a part of who i am.

kung hindi niya yun matanggap, baka hindi niya nga ako mahal...

oo, alam ko sinabi kong gagawin ko lahat para sakanya kasi mahal ko siya..pero kasama ba dun ung iwan ang isang malaking bahagi ng pagkatao ko?...kung nawala yun, ibang tao na yung minamahal niya, at ibang tao na yung nagmamahal sa kanya. hindi na si rayna. iba na.

eh di baka hindi nga talaga ako ung kelangan niya.

my depressed mode has been trigerred.

meltdown in 

five...

four ...

three...

two...

one. 

...i've never been this depressed before.

yesterday, i felt like crying over fried chicken, and i missed eating okra...all because they have a connection to my memories of maridi.

just before i opened my lj, i finished 2 packs of fudgee bar, 1 pack of chips delight, and a glass of milk.  i tried to find some comfort in chocolate.

right now, i'm listening to the cd of the last five years (an off-broadway pocket musical), and i can relate to cathy's heartache.

in her opening song, she sings:

Go and hide and run away

Run away, run and find something better

Go and ride the sun away

Run away like it's simple

Like it's right...

and in her next song, the last few lines really caught me:

i swear to god i'll never understand
how you can stand there straight and tall
and see i'm crying
and not do anything
at all

when maridi gets mad, that's how she acts.  even if i'm all in tears and finding it hard to breathe, she completely ignores me.  and now... well, here we are... 

...and i don't understand why she chose to run away.

...i thought i wouldn't, but i'm crying again.



last night, i was talking to one of our common friends, and i told her why i don't understand why maridi gets so insecure... because even if i had my pick of the 3million hottest guys on the planet, i'd still choose her.

i really, really, really miss her...
and i want her back in my life.
...but i'm not so sure if she wants me back in hers.

...i can't manage to sleep properly. what's worse is that, the more i'm wide awake, the harder reality slaps me on the face.  when i'm somwhere between being asleep and being awake, my dreams or my thoughts become more vivid and feel more real to me.  and when i was in that state this morning, i found myself thinking of (who else?) maridi. and that she was sleeping beside me, and holding me, and that everything was fine.

..then i just felt emptier afterwards.:(

this sucks.

having a journal helps in the grieving process.

this will be quick.

i miss her so much.  and i'm not really looking forward to waking up tomorrow still missing her.  i'm fighting an emptiness i can't even grasp.

i'm wearing her shirt to sleep.
    i think that says enough about how lonely i am right now.

Maridi and I are over. She wants me out of her life, to stop hurting her. I learned that when you love someone truly and deeply, you’re prepared to make any sacrifice –no matter how painful or difficult it is. Leaving her has been the most difficult thing I’ve done since we got together. Then let my leaving be testament to how much I love her.

This IS the end of our bittersweet love story.

This afternoon, while in the car with my dad and my cousin, the song “addict” suddenly came into my head. The part of the song that came to me was this: the deeper you stick it in your vein/ the deeper the thoughts/ there’s no more pain… it’s not a habit it’s cool/ I feel alive/ if you don’t have it you’re on the other side/ I’m not an addict…sober now/ I’m all alone/ I’m just a person on my own.

Funny, how a song about drugs reflects how I’m feeling about our break-up.

But anyway, my cousin says I’m coping pretty well. I mean, she didn’t know we had broken up until I told her. She just thought my eyes were puffy from too much sleep.

I love how my cousin understands exactly how I feel. Like how I told her that at this point, I want to nurture every emotion I’m feeling right now. Even if I feel like dying, like I’m falling off the edge of the universe, like my heart was clawed out of my body and shred to pieces, I’d still want to nurture the pain.

and we both agree that you shouldn’t block an emotion out of your system just because it’s negative. One shouldn’t be afraid of feeling pain.

…tsaka sa totoo lang, masarap siya.

I don’t know if my cousin and I are just a bunch of psychos, but to us, if you allow some degree of pain to enter and reside in you, it actually feels good. Masarap siya. Minsan, masarap ang masaktan.

My cousin left a little less than an hour ago to go to her job at a call center. With no one to talk to, the alone-ness is starting to sink in.

And as much as I’d hate to say this, I miss her…

I’m talking to my high school friend on ym, and nobody has any idea we had just broken up. I’m still kinda windang from all of this, and my mind can’t manage to pour too much attention on other people. So I’m trying to keep this conversation with my friend rolling, even if my thoughts are really somewhere else.

My cousin finds it good for me that I can still laugh, and not act so distraught. That’s why she says that I’m coping well. So, I told her

It’s not that I’m not feeling any pain, I mean, I am, and it’s horrible. But I’d really rather put on a smile. :)


fly on my sweet angel, fly on through the sky, fly on my sweet angel, forever i will be right by your side. -fiona apple, angel

You Are Animal

A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts. You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary. But you sure can beat a good drum. "Kill! Kill!"

you.

always and nothing but you.

i'd want to wrap my finger around every crevice of your being.

you're so consuming.

my darkness and my sunlight.  my reason to smile, and the pain that leaves me crying in bed at night.

if i have no idea how far my love can go, then you can't have any idea how much i love you.  you don't know.

i have no valid reason to stay, because i don't want any of those reasons taken away.  i'm here and with you simply because i want to.  ultimately because i love you.  just because i want to, and no one can take that want away.  i am not here because i'm afraid of you getting hurt. not because i can't live without you. not because you make me happy. not because i've always wanted to have someone like you.  not because i feel so connected to you. not because you liberate me. not because of anything other than the fact that i want to.  i want to keep on loving you. 

and i don't love you because of this and that.  i really can't find a reason.  i know that we have this unique connection, but that isn't WHY i love you.  i feel connected to you BECAUSE i love you.  i just love you. we can't give a reason as to why someone is born, or why someone dies.  the same applies to falling in love. you fall in love because it's a force of nature, and it just compells you..like the way you live each day...you have no idea why..you find a purpose, but that isn't why you're alive..purpose is just something you do with your life, but the 'why' is forever enigmatic.  

i don't know why i'm alive, i just am.
i don't know why i love you, i just do.

i used to believe that when you're in love, you shouldn't attempt to change a person. or let someone change you. and you accept each other for all your flaws and imperfections.  but i also realized that when you love a person, you sacrifice your beliefs, and you sacrifice your principles, and you give up your ideal view of the world.  sabi nga ng dear prof ko sa english, si mr. dm reyes, 'love allows us to accomodate compromises'.

parang, sino ka ba para saktan ako? sino ka ba para baguhin ako? sino ka ba at bakit mo ginulo buhay ko?

ikaw... yung taong mahal ko.

...at para sayo, papatigilin at babaliktarin ko ang mundo.

this is why i hate it when maridi's away. we keep on friggin fighting! hello, ultimo pagtulog ko sinisita...last night kasi, it was only 8.30 and i was feeling sleepy na. so i told her na m22log nko, but id text her if i suddenly woke up.  which i did naman...when i woke up at around 11, i txtd her agad to ask if she was still up..tapos she got pissed off kasi ang aga ko raw natulog. na nkkasar daw na we didn't get the chance na nga to talk the whole day then i'd just fall asleep on her. 

sorry ah.i have a hard time fighting sleep.

and just a few days ago we broke up, then got back together, tapos ngayon we're fighting nanaman.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

i can't take it anymore.

i mean, i understand that quarrels and disagreements are a part of any relationship, but this is too much! and she constantly thinks that i'm lying and cheating on her. 

why?????????

i admit, i get praning sometimes...especially after that incident with her ex, pero i try to not let it get to me.  i try to be rational and just keep in mind that paranoia shouldn't ruin our relationship.

but HER paranoia is ruining everything.

i know i made a mistake in the past, but why can't she understand that i won't let it happen again?that she's the first person i've completely fallen in love with and i won't do anything to lose her again.  i already know what  bitter torture it is when she's keeping her distance.  or when she lets me feel that she doesn't love me.  its horrible.  and i don't want that to happen again.  

pero why is she constantly pushing me away?
im doing my best to do everything she wants me to. im being a good girl na...a good girlfriend.  when she gets violent, i just keep calm ...or cry myself to sleep...

what else does she want???

am i REALLY  THAT STUPID???
..ayoko na...i really don't know what to make of our whole relationship anymore...

and then last night, i was thinking, before i went back to sleep, that maybe i'm just not good enough for her.  that's what it always boils down to. that i'm just not good enough.  i can't be the girl she wants me to be. no matter how hard i try, she'll always find something wrong.  she'll always think that i'm lying, that i'm cheating, that i'm making up all sorts of excuses... she'll always tell me how stupid i am and that i'm uncaring about her feelings.

but how about MY feelings, maridi?

i know i made an awful mistake in the past, and it really hurt you, but that doesn't excuse ME from getting hurt as well. i am STILL your GIRLFRIEND and that means you have to be considerate of my emotions too. that means you have to know the things that hurt me, the things that break my heart.

but the godawful reality is...when my heart gets broken, you're the only person who can put it back together.

ugh. this is turning out hopeless! i can't get a freakin job!!!

ano ba???? the first company wouldn't hire me kasi im underaged...pero they wanted me na.:( hrmph. kaya i decided to lie about my age...pero the other call centers i went to won't accept working students...hmph...kaasar...

the only reason i'm trying to get a job is to get an iPod and a new celfone...pano kasi mine got stolen.:((
kasi namaaaaan...if my dad put buying his freakin expensive guitarSSSS (take note of the plural form) on hold, and just put a friggin bar on my window, then our house wouldn't have gotten broken in then i wouldn't have lost my stuff.:'(


then i wouldn't have to look for a freakin job!

tapos kinuha niya pa credit card ko..last year pa confiscated yun ha?kamusta naman...ayaw pa isoli...once ko pa nga lang ginagamit...

hrrrrrrrmph!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


kaBwiset, i swear!

sarap patayin ng tatay ko.sana atakihin na siya sa puso.

i was checkin my email just kanina. tapos, i checked my sent items. tapos nkita ko na i still had stuff that i sent to my ex. i mean, nung kami pa. tapos, i read through them, pero everytime i opened one, i couldn't even get past the first few sentences, then i'd start cringing. as in! eew-ness talaga.

parang... i couldn't believe i slept with that a-hole.

eew talaga. ano ba pumasok sa isip ko??? kadiri.kadiri.kadiri.

tapos nrealize ko na sana i brokeup with him sooner. kasi alam ko naman talaga na he wasn't the one for me eh. na our relationship wasn't the one i wanted. parang, everything was so banal (as in bane, hindi holy). ang...dull.

sana, i just kept on losing weight, instead of gaining. sana, i just maintained my 3rd honor average. sana i stayed focused.

pero, sabagay, if it weren't for him, i wouldn't have had the drive to pursue a better relationship. cguro ngayon, i would've just settled for some average dude. tapos hindi pa rin ako masaya. pero un nga, i should've broken up with him sooner. sana hindi ko na pinaabot ng isang taon. sabagay, i played around din naman, na parang wala akong boyfriend. hehe. i guess you really have to experience something auwful, before you can experience and realize what happiness is. parang, you have to know black before you can tell what white is, and vice-versa.

tapos, naicip ko, eh pano sa amin ni maridi?...well, for one, our relationship is FAAAAAAAR different from the one i had with...that guy. i mean, we talk -no, we CONVERSE, we laugh, we CONNECT. it's just amazing. lahat ng hinahanap ko nung past, i found in maridi. i know, i have my moments of discontent and frustration, but the positive aspects still outweigh the negative ones...even if we fight and she makes my eyes puffy, ayos lang...i'm still happy.:)

there's this pragmatic voice telling me that we MIGHT break up, i mean, we can't be sure that we'll last forever, but i'd want us to. we'd both want to. but if that won't happen, i just want us to last for as long as we can..and i'm not just saying this because i want to believe that it's what i'm feeling just because it's supposed to be what i'm feeling...it REALLY IS what i'm feeling.

tgnan mo, db, at least now, i'm sure of what i want. i know what i want.

i want to be happy. i want to be complete.

centrum complete...batang may laban! wahaha...

better sleep na nga.madaling araw nanaman...

feels good to throw out the trash.:)

just checked my friendster account since i dont know when. then i also checked out maridi's exs' (ex-es's) profiles. tapos, i read the testimonials. tapos i got insecure nanaman. not because i feel like their gonna take maridi away from me, pero kasi, i feel like their so much better than me, and i'm just  NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!! waaah... 

oo, lam ko, ang pathetic ng outlook ko diba?...argh...and i know i can't expect to be the brightest, most talented, and most beautiful girl on this planet...pero i wish i were, even in just one person's eyes.  (parents and other family members don't count.)  

eh si maridi?...yeah, she believes in me...but only to a certain extent...she doesn't find my poetry nice. akala ko pa naman, my poems could make her smile...akala ko, she'd find them beautiful...sabi niya, ok, better than lei (her ex),pero it still doesn't count as poetry. it isn't beautiful.  waaah.:(( sana, kahit bola lang...kahit sana, sabihin niya, well, it isn't the best, but i still think it's the most beautiful thing ever written, because YOU  wrote it.  weeh...wishful thinking...hrrrmph.

ngargh.

tas lagi pa akong bonjing.  why can't i be poised and beautiful? just beautiful. why can't i walk without slouching, or dragging my feet? why can't i have perfect teeth?why can't i have less PIMPLES????!!!! WHY GOD, WHY???

lecheng buhay , o...

someone reassure me...
...i need to feel beautiful...

nga pala, may rave part din dapat...

kanina, while i was riding the cab on the wy home, i noticed how sunshine-y manila is getting. plus the fact na wala na akong poproblemahing deadlines, i started getting kilig. ganun ako when i'm feeling happy and peaceful eh.

yehey, summer na kasi. 

my favorite time of the year. :)

                Ganito kasi yun.  Isang araw, nagkakilala tayo.  Magka-org kasi tayo, kaya mo nakuha yung username ko sa e-group natin.  Nag-usap lang tayo sa YM, hindi naman talaga magkakilala sa personal.  Parang chatmates kumbaga.  Cyberspace friendship –chatmates nga.  Tapos ilang pa nga ako sayo eh.  Minsan ayaw pa kitang makausap.  Pano, ang kulit mo kasi. 

 

                Hindi naman nag-tagal, lumabas tayo sa mundo ng cyberspace at nagkakilala na talaga.  Parang kung anong kwentong romantiko.  Yung tipong makikita mo sa mga palabas sa Channel 2.  Isang araw kasi, napasubo akong makipag-debate.  Tapos andun ka rin sa classroom kung saan ako makikipag-compete.  Aba, feeling ko naman ang galing-galing ko.  Pero sa totoo lang, jusko!, mamatay kaya ako sa nerbyos.  Ang init pa nun, at nagf-fog na yung salamin ko sa pawis.  Buti hindi mo napansin.  Nakakahiya kaya.

 

                Alam ko namang ikaw yung mahiyaing babae na nakaupo sa likod eh.  Naturo ka na kasi sa akin ni Roshni.  May crush ka raw sa akin (Uuuy!).  At hanggang matapos yung competition, nakaupo ka lang dun sa likod ng classroom.  Feeling ko maya’t-maya kang sumusulyap.  Feeling lang siguro yun, kasi ako yata yung tingin ng tingin nun.  Parang nacu-curious ako sa’yo.  At ewan ko, ha, pero parang nung nagde-debate ako sa harapan, pag tumitingin ako sa’yo, mas nagiging confident ako.  Ewan ko ba kung anong super powers ang meron ka! 

 

                Nung break in between rounds, magkasabay tayong nag-lakad papunta sa kabilang building.  Dahil lang sa humingi ka ng isang pirasong papel sa akin, inaya na kitang sumama sa akin.  Aba, ang flirtatious-ever ko talaga!  Hindi ko naman alam kung pano kita kakausapin.  Siyempre, first time nating nagkasama after nating nag-uusap lang sa YM.  Ano naman sasabihin ko kapag bigla mo akong hindi kinausap?  Magb-buzz ako?!  Ngalan naman mag-plaster ako ng smiley sa mukha ko?!  Kaya naman tuwing nagkakaroon tayo ng dead air (dahil after some time, nawalan na rin tayo ng mapag-uusapan dahil puro debate lang ang alam nating topic), dinala ko nalang sa mga kwela kong hirit at onting pag-indak-indak para ma-amuse ka naman.  At saka-sakali, you might actually find me cute.

 

                Gasp!  Ano ulit???  Gusto kong ma-cutan ka sa akin?!  Bakit?! 

               

                Baka nasa sistema ko na talaga na kapag merong taong maaaring magkagusto sa akin, kahit di ko naman talaga siya gusto, ay gusto ko siyang akitin.  Pang ego-boost ba.  Pero, ewan.  Parang yung pakiramdam ko sa’yo hindi ganun lang eh. 

 

                Parang gusto kong magka-gusto ka sa akin dahil… gusto rin kita.  Ata.

 

                Lagot.

 

                Alam mo ba?  Nung patapos na yung debate, nakaupo ako sa silya ko sa bandang malapit sa teacher’s table, at ikaw nakaupo pa rin sa silya mo sa may likod.  Bigla mo akong binelatan, yung parang batang nang-aasar dahil wala lang siyang magawa –siguro nagpapapansin ka.  Natuwa ako na ewan.  Ewan ko talaga.  Tapos na-feel ko ang isang malamig na kilabot na dumaan sa braso ko pataas sa aking batok.  Ayan na.  Kinilig ako sa’yo.  Feeling ko nga parang ang init ng cheeks ko, baka nag-blush ako.  Pero hindi ko sigurado, kasi bihira naman kasi ako mag-blush.

 

                Pagkatapos ng debate –at natalo nga pala kami, pero oks lang, kasi good fight naman siya –nagpahatid ako pabalik sa theatre dahil may rehearsals pa kami.  Do you find theatre people attractive –or impressive at least? (In my head, I’m making a pa-cute smile.  And my heart –my heart! –is jumping all over the place.  Parang naka-sakay siya sa pogo stick.)

 

                Pag-pasok ko sa backstage, aba, ang announcement ko ay: I think I’m bisexual!  Naguho ang lahat ng paniniwala ko tungkol sa sarili ko.  Akala ko, kilala ko kung sino ako.  Hindi pala.  O hindi lang masyado.  Meron palang part sa akin na nagkakagusto sa babae rin.

 

                Grabe, ang cute mo kasi.

 

                Pag-dating ng Monday of the following week, nag-cut ako ng English.  Ulit.  Pano naman kasi, tambak-tambak na na requirements ang hindi ko pa nagagawa, at nahihiya na akong pumasok.  Tapos, nagkasalubong kami ni Rosh sa lib.  At kwinentuhan niya ako na ka-text mo raw siya.  Aba, tama ba ang chismax na nahagilap ko, at hinihingi mo raw number ko?!  Ikaw, ha?  (Kilig to death naman ako, at flattered-ever.)  Kaya hindi ko naman napigilang aminin na rin sa kanya na I think nagkaka-crush na ako sa’yo. 

 

                At pag-dating ng lunch time nung araw din na ‘yun, aba, confessions of a teenage drama queen ang trip ko.  Sa gitna ng nagkakagulong walkway ay inamin ko sa ‘yo na nagf-fall na ako.  Aba, ang bilis naman ata.  Pero, grabe!  Hindi ko mapigilang matunaw everytime na ngumisi ka, matawa dahil sa mga kagagahan ko, at ma-conscious dahil hindi tayo makatingin ng diretso for more than five seconds sa isa’t isa.  Pero minsan pa lang tayo nagsama.

 

                At since then, aba, lagi na tayong magkasama.  Nagte-text, nagtatawagan. Nags-sound trip sa iPod, nagyo-yosi.  Onting kwentuhan.  At nalaman ko, may girlfriend ka pala.  At –oh shit! –ako rin pala, may boyfriend!  Parehas yata tayo ng sitwasyon.  Malayo sa mga taong mahal natin.  O baka nagdududa lang tayo kung mahal nga natin sila.

 

                Kahit tinatawagan mo ako sa selepono ko tuwing wala kang klase, umaasang makasama mo ako habang break ka, bumibili ng bagong kaha para lang may excuse kang ayain akong mag-yosi, kung anu-ano pang diskarte at pasimple, nagpapaka-dense pa rin ako sa pagpapakita mong crush mo rin ako.  Ayokong umasa, noh?  Ayoko ngang ma-reject ang beauty ko!

 

                Nakipag-break ka na pala sa girlfriend mo?  Hindi ka malungkot.  Magkasama tayong naglalakad sa corridors.  Tinitignan mo ako.  Hindi ka nalulungkot at all.  Nagui-guilty, pero walang lungkot.  Dahil ba andito ako para saluhin kita?  Ayoko maging rebound.  Di bale, maaga pa naman para sa mga bagay-bagay na iyan.  Hindi ko muna iisipin.  Basta magkasama tayo, solb na.

 

                Isang beses, pagkatapos ng rehearsals, niyaya kita sa Cantina.  Gabing-gabi na nun.  Pumunta ka pa rin.  Kaso, ang bobo ko, maaga nga pala ako nagpa-sundo.  Biglang dumating ang Daddy, strict siya eh –siyempre, unica hija ako.  At isa pa, maiksi ang pasensiya niya.  Kaya nang pumarada an gaming blue na van sa harap ng restawran na madalas naming tambayan, ay wala akong nagawa kundi humingi ng lilimang minuto para lang makapagpaalam ako sa’yo ng matino.  Saying, kala ko pa naman makakainuman na kita.  At para naman hindi masayang ang pinambayad mo sa traysikel, tumambay ka pa ng sandali, at nasalang ka tuloy sa hot seat ng pag-iinterview ng mga kaibigan ko.  Naku, lagot.  Dami nilang tanong, ano?

 

                Pag-uwi ko, tumawag ako sa boyfriend ko.  Ilang minuto pa, at magiging ex ko na siya. Masyado nang malayo ang buhay ko sa buhay niya.  Pakiramdam ko –hindi, alam ko –na malaki na ang pinag-bago ko.  Hindi na ako ang Rayna na nakilala niya.  Yung submissive sa lalaki.  Yung bawal mag mini-skirt.  Yung tahimik.  Yung demure.  Yung tinutulak yung ulo para sumubo ng nota.  Putang ina naman.  Ayoko na bumalik dun!  Ayoko na.  Nagbago na ako.  Kilala ko na sarili ko.  At hindi ako magpapatalo por que babae ako.  May sarili akong buhay, and I’ll live it however I want to, thankyouverymuch.  Gusto kong lumaya.

 

                Haaay, pero crayola to death pa rin ako the following day.  I love you/goodbye kasi eh.  Masakit, pero at least it was a clean break-up.  Parang pag nag-suicide tapos uminom lang ng sang-katutak na Valium.  Walang dugo, walang bloated na bangkay na naksabit sa kisame.  Parang ganun yung break-up namin.  Malinis at simple lang.  Onting iyakan, tapos wala na.  sabi ko sa kanya mag-text siya ng last goodbye message niya, but I never received it, kasi biglang nag-suicide ang phone ko.  Aba, papampam.  Pero mabuti na rin ata yun, kasi sobrang bilis kong naka-get over!  As in, the following day, nang maabutan ko siyang online, nag-usap kami ng onti, at nag-I love you siya, naasar ako.  As in tipong, fuck-you-piss-off ang kadramahan ko.  Pero sabay naman ang crayola ko.  Parang nagbabaliw-baliwan portion ako.  Mahilig pa naman ako sa kumikinang na green shades nun, kaya pag nakakita ka ba naman ng babaeng humihiyaw sa lungkot, pero naka-ultramagneticneongreen shades pa rin siya, aba,hindi ka kaya mag-taka?

 

                Nung araw din na yun, kinailangan kong pumuntang school dahil may show.  Pero nung habang wala pa akong ginagawa, inaya muna kita mag-yosi.  Gusto ko sanang mag-drama, baka maawa ka sa akin, at i-comfort mo ako.  Then, I can rest my head on your shoulders, habang tumutulo ang luha ko, at sasabihin mo, “Tahan na, wala ka nang dapat ikalungkot.  Andito naman ako.  Kalimutan mo na yun.”  Habang “As Long as it Matters” ng Gin Blossoms ang theme song ng soap opera sa ulo ko.

 

                But no, nang tumabi ka na sa akin sa stone bench sa smoker’s area sa ating campus, parang ang maliit na sulok ng mundo na ‘yun ang buong universe ko.  Hindi ako maka-iyak, hindi ako makapag-drama.  Biglang, it was springtime again ang feeling.  Biglang, ang ganda ng mundo.  Parang namumulaklak ang lahat ng puno.  Ang background song ko bigla ay “I’ll Stop the Wolrd and Melt with You”, na The Cure ang version.  Na kasabay ang ambiance ng “Kiss Me” ng Sixpence None the Richer ang aura ng background.  Kakaibang feeling.  Ang sarap.  Matagal ko na ring hindi naramdaman yung ganito.  Ang saya-saya.  Iba.  Nawala lahat ng problema ko.  Andyan ka na.  Hindi mo man sinabi yung pinapangarap ko in my head n asana sinabi mo, ay alam ko namang hanggat andyan ka, I’ll be alright.

               

Mukha naman atang na-enjoy mo ang aking company kahit kaunti, dahil that night ay inaya uli kita, at pumayag ka naman.  This time I made sure na hindi ako uuwi ng maaga.  Actually, this time, hindi na ako uuwi.  Overnight sa kung saan.  Ewan, basta makasama kita ng matagal.

 

Night out sa Drew’s.  Inuman.  Astig.  Kasama ni Tin ang boyfriend niyang si Dence –sila pa nun.  Nakakamiss.  Anyway, so, ayun.  Nakakatuwa kang tignan.  Ang ganda mo, na ang guwapo, na ang cute.  Nakakaasar.  Nakakapang-gigil.  At ang hot mo mag-yosi.  Hala, ubusan ng kaha.  Pakitaang-gilas pa.  Smoke tricks tayo.  Smoke rings.  Bridge.  Shotgun.  Shotgun.  Ayan, nauna sina Tin at Dence.  Nakaparte ng kaunti ang mga labi habang pinapasa  ng isa ang usok mula sa kanyang bibig papunta sa kanyang partner.

 

Ah, ano?  Tayo naman mag-ganyan?  Oh well, malandi naman ako eh.  At sa totoo lang, matagal ko nang gusting ilapat ang mga labi ko sa labi mo.  Pero natatakot ako na nahihiya.  Siyempre, isang linggo palang tayong magkakilala.  Eto na.  Lumalapit tayo sa isa’t isa.  Usok na nasa loob ko, ipapasa kosa ‘yo.  Ah, hindi naman pala kelangan na talagang mag-dikit yung lips natin eh.  Konti lang.  Mga one nanometer apart.  Hala, medyo nadadala ako ng alak.  Salamat nga pala at binilhan mo ako ng drink.  La na rin kasi akong pera eh.  Galante ka pala.  Gusto ko yan, hindi tulad ng ex ko na kuripot.  Sa loob-loob ko, natutuwa ako na kaya mo akong i-libre.  Pero hindi ko sinasabi sa’yo dahil hindi naman ako mukhang pera, at hindi yun ang habol ko.  Gusto ko lang na kaya mo pala akong alagaan –at ma-treat paminsan-minsan … if ever.  Uuuuy, kilig.  Anyway, medyo meh tama ata ako.  Dahil napapansin ko, nahahaplos-haplos ko na braso mo, at inaamoy-amoy kita.  I want to be familiar with your scent.  Pag ganun kasi, parang ang intimate na ng pagkakakilala ko sa’yo.  Hindi amoy ng pabango mo ang gusto ko.  Gusto ko yung amoy ng damit mo, kung pano dumikit ito sa balat mo.  Amoy ng leeg mo na nainitan na.  Amoy ng kamay mo, na nabahairan na ng amoy ng barya, at ng binubuga mong yosi.  Amoy ng mga labi mo, pag nahalikan na kita.

 

Pa-simple akong dumidikit sa’yo.  Nagnanakaw ng yakap.  Ng kiss sa leeg, sa pisngi.  Hindi muna sa lips.  Shy ako, eh.  Tsaka, girl ka eh.  Hindi ko alam kung pano.  Misteryo yun sa akin.

 

Nagkayayaan sa bahay nina BJ para ituloy ang inuman.  Kasa-kasama kasi ng kapatid niya yung mga kaibigan nitong Assumption-ista, at mags-sleep over sa bahay nila.  Kaya kami naman, gusting maki-join sa jamming na to. 

 

Hintay ng taxi sa may tapat ng Pan de Manila.  Magma-madaling araw na ata.  Malamig ang hangin.  Kaya, habang nakatayo tayo doon at naghihintay, nakayakap ako sa’yo.  Panakaw-nakaw ng maliliit na halik.  Hanggang pag-sakay natin ng taxi papuntang Marikina, magka-yakap tayo.  Naaamoy kita. Kahit hindi man ako ganoon ka-familiar sa amoy mo, alam kong hindi ito ang natural mong amoy, dahil amoy beer ka na.  Bumabagal din ata pananalita mo.  Lasing ka na.

 

Pag-dating natin sa bahay nina BJ, tambay-tambay muna, at chillax.  Pagkatapos ng ilang minuto, dinadapo na ako ng pagod at antok.  Kaya nag-hanap tayo ng mahihigaan.  Isang kwarto.  May kama, at nahiga tayo.  Ikaw sa may bandang bintana.  Magkatabi tayo, medyo magka-yakap na hindi.  Nag-uusap ng onti, sinusubukang matulog.  Nagnanakaw ng halik.

 

At ninakaw mo ang isang halik mula sa aking labi.

 

Amoy beer ang iyong hininga.  Kung nalasing ka sa beer, nalasing naman ako sa halik mo.  Sa dahan-dahang pagpasok ng dila mo sa aking bibig.  Ang ginagawang pag bukas-sara ng iyong labi sa aking labi.  Ang init ng iyong hininga.  The quiet moans of delight that were coming from inside you.  Maya-maya pa, naramdaman ko ang init ng iyong katawan na nakapatong sa akin.  Naghahanap ang mga kamay mo.  Parang pag-hanap sa isang bagay na paniniwalaan –natatakot, nagdadalawang-isip.  Pero patuloy pa rin ang mga kamay mo sa paghahanap.  Tumigil na lamang sila nang pumulupot na ang mga braso mo sa katwan ko.  Parang matagal na panahon akong nakakulong sa yakap mo.  Pagkatapos ng ilan pang sandali, nang tumigil na ang mga kamay mo sa paghahanap, mga labi mo naman ang lumibot.  May natagpuang sarap ang bawat sikot ng aking katawan na nadapuan ng malambot mong mga halik.

 

Magmamadaling araw na, nakahiga pa rin tayo sa kama.  Naghahalikan maya’t maya, naglalambingan, nagkwekwentuhan, at nakakatulog ng sandali.

 

Kailangan na nating umuwi.

 

Sumakay tayo ng jeep, umuwi.  Magkatabi tayo.  Nakakapanibago ang ganito.  Napapansin  ko silang tumititig.  Pero parang gusto ko lang silang tarayan.  Aba, care ba nila?!! Hmph.  Tuloy ang paghawak ko sa’yong kamay.

 

Bago makarating sa inyo, daan muna ng Mcdo para mag-breakfast.  Libre mo? Astig.  Konting yosi uli, tapos uwi.  Medyo masakit na ang ulo ko sa pagod, at sa puyatan kagabi.  Pag-dating sa apartment mo, diretso sa kama mo, nahiga tayo at nagpahinga.  Hindi pa ako naliligo, at wala akong dalang pamalit.  Pero ok lang, uuwi rin naman na ako maya-maya. Txt k lng c momy.

 

Makalipas ang ilang oras, hindi pa ako sinusundo.  Nakakatuwa, mahabang panahon tuloy kita nakasama.  Pero gusto ko nang maligo sa amin.  Wala naman akong magawa kung hindi mahiga sa kama mo, at yakapin ka.  Masaya.  Masaya.

 

Dito nagsimula ang maganda nating pagkakaibigan.  Masaya, sobrang saya.  Sayo ko lang naramdaman ang ganitong klaseng ligaya.  Ibang klaseng ligaya.  Nakakabaliw, nakakaaliw, nakakatuwa, nakakahibang.  Parang gusto kong tumalon sa bangin.  Parang gusto ko nang mamatay dahil sa sobrang saya ko.  Sobrang sarap ng feeling.  Life is good.  Merong diyos, dahil merong ganitong klaseng kasiyahan.  Meron akong pinapaniwalaan.  Everything’s so clear, and everything makes sense.  I feel so goddamn alive.  Lumilipad ang aking kaluluwa.  Umaalpas. Nakakalaya.  Liberation never felt so tangible.  Freedom. Freedom.  You are the embodiment of my freedom.  Kaya kong pakawalan ang lahat.  Punung-puno ng hangin yung lungs ko, para akong lolobo, tapos lulutang, lilipad, hanggang mawala na sa mga ulap, mawala sa kalawakan.  Surrender.  Like a big flash of yellow-white light that comes out of nowhere and then envelopes you in its magnificence.

 

Ganito pala ang ma-in love.

Nakakaloka.  At ang sarap sabihin.  I love you.  Mahal kita.  This time I know it’s real.  Alam ko.  Di ko lam kung pano, basta alam ko.  Mahal na mahal kita.  Mahal na mahal kita.  Putang ina, mahal na mahal kita.

                              
   [picture from madhatter.it]


natutulog ka na ba?  mabuti.

masarap mabuhay sa mundo ng panaginip.  masaktan ka man, mawawala rin sa yong pag-gising.  hanggang alaala na lamang siya. nakakalimutan din.

hindi tulad ng pag nasaktan ka nang gising.  bawat sikot ng puso napupuno ng lungkot at pait.

















malayo ka na.  


parang mga patlang na namamagitan sa mga salita.


minsan nasa punto na tayo na hindi kita makilala.
...kaya nga sinabi mo na hindi kita maintindihan.

kung magkatabi tayo ngayon matulog sa parehas na kwarto, parehas na kama, yayakapin kitang mahigpit.  
kunwari hindi ka napapalayo sa akin na parang aninong natangay ng hangin.

yayakapin kitang mahigpit, at sabay tayong managinip.

at doon, sa mundo ng mga pangarap, hahalikan kita ng mariin.  titkman ko ang ligaya sa labi mo.

...lahat ng tamis na nakilala ko, nakabaon na lamang sa mga nataboy nang alaala.









akala ko hindi mo kakalimutan...

i officially welcome myself to live journal.

goodbye friendster blogs!

the year is about to end. this is the time that people start contemplating on their lasts, and gear up to have a fresh start on the next year. and there is this one "last" that i'd like to talk about, since i suppose it will be the most poignant one that i'll have for the remainder of 2005.

right now, maridi is on her way to tugegarao to spend christmas with her family there. of course, i'll be left here in manila to spend the holidays with my own family. we'll be seperated during the whole of the christmas break. it's not very long -about two weeks, i think. but when you spend everyday with your special someone, it becomes very easy to miss them.

december 21, the last night i spent with maridi. it was probably the most beautiful night i had in my entire life. since the simbang gabi began at the church of the gesu in ateneo, we had been planning to visit the food stalls there to eat puto bumbong and cream puffs (yes, not to hear mass, i'm agnostic, she's non-practicing). it wasn't until the 7th night that we were finally able to go. and aptly so, since it was the perfect way to spend our last night with each other.

it wasn't even planned, we had dinner at her apartment, and i can't remember why or how, that we decided to go to the gesu. we took a trike from the overpass to school. i heard the choir from the sidewalk, and i was immediately enthralled by the christmas spirit. maridi wanted to go inside the church to spot girls (or so she said), i wanted to go inside to listen to the choir. and we went inside, and stood there by the door, and listened to the choir singing beautiful latin songs. after two songs or so, we stepped out of the church, and i nearly cried, because i had never before been ovherwhelmed by something so quaintly perfect, and awe-inspiring, and heartwarming, and utterly romantic. the dim glow of the christmas lights completed the ambiance of the evening, and as maridi said, it was as if the night was made for the two of us.

yes, i'd like to believe that.

we headed to the foodstalls across the church, and we treated ourselves to a tiny feast of churros con chocolate, puto bumbong, and barbecue. we sat ourselves on the lawn of the bell field. it was just simply perfect. the air was cool and christmas-y, the sky was beautiful, alot of stars were out -which is a bit uncommon when you're living in the city, the field was outlined with trees strewn with christmas lights; and behind us, the church of the gesu -with the choir tolling in place of church bells.

and we just sat there, talking, laughing, appreciating everything that night had to offer. and in the middle of it all, my eyes started to well up. i couldn't stop the tears from flowing. i had never before been overcome with happiness powerful enough to make me cry. a night of lasts could also be a night of firsts.

it makes me sad how wonderful things could be so fleeting. that night is simply a memory to me now. how her hands felt, the coolness of the air against the warmth of her embrace, the euphoria -all of them left to the depths of my mind, as if tiny fragments of forgotten fiction.

we went back to my apartment, it wasn't very late yet, but i didn't really didn't care what time it was. she lay on the bed as i was taking a shower, then afterwards, i snuggled behind her. i'm actually glad that we didn't taint the night with lust. the romance was kept in the sincerity of the sweet kisses and the warm embraces. and as we lay in bed, we had one of those rare conversations where you could wear your heart on your sleeve. and in the stillness of that evening, she was my world, all i could hear, and all i could see was her.

hindi ko alam kung pano pa sasabahin, pero sobrang saya ko dahil mahal na mahal na mahal kita.

she decided to sleep over, but had to leave early the next morning, since they still had to go to frisco before lunchtime. so we set the alarm to 7.00 am. it was around 11.30 that time, and the alarm clock on my cellphone was counting down the few hours we had left to be together.

and we just talked until i fell asleep. she was still wide awake, even if my eyes were already shutting involuntarily, i guess she wanted to prolong every waking moment she could spend with me. "i'm gonna miss you", i heard her say; i was already half-asleep. eventually, slumber took over, and i fell asleep in her arms. i'm reminded of the song konstantine, it's exactly how i feel everytime i fall asleep in her embrace:

                                             it's to dying in another's arms, and why i had to try it

the most amazing feeling comes to me everytime i open my eyes, though my body's still asleep, and i find myself locked up in the warmth of her arms, and she's just there, with one hand holding my face, so comfortably asleep. and i just feel so happy. and so safe. and so secure. and i start believing in that moment, that nothing in this fucking miserable world can go wrong.

but of course, the natural high doesn't last forever.

at about 6.30 in the morning, her sister and her cousin started calling her on her cellphone. she had just woken up a few minutes before, and we were still savoring the remainder of the time we had together. i just hate it everytime she has to leave. i removed the alarm on my phone, i didn't want to be reminded that we had planned to have a few minutes more to be together, if it weren't for her cousin constantly making her phone ring.

so when she got up and got dressed, we had our final hug. her grip was strong and comforting. and we had our last sweet kiss before she went out the door.

or so i thought.

about an hour later, there was a loud knocking on my door. i had fallen back asleep, and the commotion startled me a little. so i opened the door, and there she was again. (by the way, we only live five houses away from each other, so we can visit each other very easily) i was surprised of course, i thought i wasn't going to see her again after she had left earlier. it was quite unexpected, i thought it was very sweet of her.

then she gave me a final, final embrace. her face was burried in my shoulder, and i was caressing her hair. another moment of meaningful silence. and i began missing her even if she was still there. then she kissed my lips, then rubbed her nose against mine (which is her quiet way of saying "i love you"), then she took my hands and kissed them.

afterwards, an exchange of "i love you's", merry christmas ...and then goodbyes.

"two weeks lang yan, bhi" so it seems quite silly and saccharine that we'd get upset over our seperation so easily. but when you're so madly and passionately in love, -i never thought i'd say this- two weeks can really seem like forever.

lalong lalo pang magpapasko na...nakakalungkot isipin na malayo siya. ang ligaya at lamig na nasa bawat ihip ng hangin, mga pamaskong nakabalot sa mga magagarang papel at nakatali ng makikintab na laso, ang pag-kutitap ng mga makukulay na parol sa lansangan...lahat masarap makita't maranasan, ngunit mas maligaya sana ang aking pasko kung ika'y kasama lamang.

at kung nasaan ka man at sino man mga kasama mo ngayong pasko, sana alalahanin mo, na may ngiti ako sa aking labi at may init sa aking puso, dahil wala nang regalong hihigit pa sa kasiyahang dulot ng pag-sinta mo.


                     maligayang pasko, mahal.:) 



bel field
12.21.05

my hands and feet feel cold. i miss you. i light a ciggarette. then everything feels alright again.

i'm blogging coz i've nothing better to do. listening to the beatles, tori amos, and nelly furtado. i just miss you. these thoughts keep on overlapping.

then the phone rings. its my mom checkin up on me. i leave my yosi. talk to my mom. when i come back all that's left are ashes. sayang, i think. i only have a few sticks left. i'm getting a temporary celphone by this week. the seller desperately needs the money. how sad. kawawa naman.

i want my iPod back, i really miss it. funny how attached you can become to material things. saw an ad for an iPod 15gig. 7k is what he offers me. i think he must've stolen it. paranoia sinking in on me.

strawberry fields playing now. the more i'm figuring nothing is real. that makes sense. now everything's clear. nothing to think about anymore, after all, nothing is real in here. the world is full of delusions, illusions, and make believe. the song must be about getting high. i need another ciggarette. i light one more. i'm beginning to shake again. my chest's feeling heavy, i think i might be asphyxiating. naninikip. paranoia's sinking in again. and again. and again.

i hope my thoughts reach you. i wish i could shout from here and somehow you hear the echoes of my thoughts. life feels like one mad blur. if i shout I LOVE YOU! from where i am, do you think you'll hear? i wanna shout. shout. shout. release, and be free.

everyday i feel like i'm falling deeper and deeper into sweet disaster. i used to be so happy. and with you life was bliss. chaos was sweet. sweet. sweet. like some fancy french dessert.

prinsesa by teeth is playing. i remember you again. i really miss you. madly. i hope telepathy works. i want to talk to you. just so i wouldn't feel you being so far away. it's times like this i feel so stranded. dalhin mo ako sa iyong palasyo. palayain natin ang ating hiraya.

i wanna get high with you. you'll know how i really feel. i never thought i could love you this much. but i let myself go, and now i do. there's no turning back. do you think this is still all real? i smile whenever i think of you. but somehow, there's just a stupid nagging pain. like a cold stab in my chest. the stupid mistakes i've made. i never learn. i never played with you. i made a mistake, but that doesn't mean my feelings were never real. they were all true and sincere. alcohol played with me again. i wasn't thinking properly. logic and reason were out of the scenario. and would you believe me? not anymore. you must be falling out of love with me everyday. slowly forgetting me. day by day, missing me less and less. like a flower slowly wilting. of course i'll question your sincerity. that's only because you scare me.

remember the coffee and dessert at gateway? the wind was blowing, the clouds turned into a sepia backdrop, and i thought it was going to rain. how many ciggarettes did i smoke that day? the buzz of caffeine and nicotine was great.

[i should be memorizing my lines right now. i'm just plain lazy. i'll never be able to take procastination out of me.]

i want to know if there's a chance you could still love me. the feelings were deep. that's why you got hurt. but we're all afraid of pain, and we decide to run away. you run fast. you run hard. but that's not freedom blowing your hair. that's not liberation you feel against your face. turn back and you'll see all the heartache. so run away. that's the easy option, but not the better one. why can't we face the music and dance to it instead?

tara na. tahakin natin lahat ng ating kinakatakutan. tawirin natin ang langit, ang dagat, tumalon tayo sa bangin.

let's hurt each other, and love each other through the pain. i'll be here if you need an embrace. thank you for liberating me. you know exactly how it is to set someone free. you keep me strong. and you don't believe me. but please don't leave me. i hate looking so miserable in front of you, i have pride too. but when i run the risk of losing you, i let all my defenses down. i'm so in love with you. so in love with you. i can't help it.

if we smoke pot, maybe all of this will go away. we'll be happy again, momentarily. until we wake up at 4 pm the next day. we'll be so wasted then forget all the pain.

don't speak by no doubt is playing. stirs up childhood memories. my first favorite song, i think. i loved seeing it on mtv. i can see us dying. aren't we? we're all dying.

being lesbian is great. talking to someone on ym, explainig that i just turned bisexual. it's probably the best decision i ever made. more doors have opened since then.

my heart's feeling so liberated. it feels like it grew wings. now it's flying, soaring. and how i wish you knew. you knew.

i miss you. i damn miss you. times like this when i feel so powerless. all the happiness drained out of me.

i'm gonna love you more than anyone. believe me. i hope you change your mind. i will really try. i will really try. let's make things work, please? maybe this mistake is what we need. but i swear, i'm sincere. but if we figure how to get past this, everything will turn out for the better. everything will be fine, everything will be alright. it just takes time.

[the guy i'm talking to, i don't even know. and he keeps on asking stupid questions. i won't be a bitch, so i won't ignore him for the meantime.]

i can't manage to smile. to make me laugh again might take a while. i need her. she's like cocaine.

tori amos is playing now. how i wish i could write, sing, and think like her. i wonder if she's bisexual too.

i miss you. i fuckin miss you. i wonder why you aren't online. maybe you don't have the time. or maybe you woke up this morning and decided to forget. and i can't wait to see you during reg. the scene's already playing in my head. id wanna run to you, but there'll be too many people watching. basta, when i see you, i'll make you fall into my embrace. i can't wait to see your face, then to hold you again.

is it starting to rain? the leaves are rustling and i can see the sky from the window and it's grey.

suddenly i have the urge to fall to the floor and crawl.

i miss the way you make me laugh. like no one else can. please, please, please, make me laugh again. your hostility scares me. and yes, i remember, sometimes you become so tackless. i don't want to turn into one of those girls you hate. is there a little bit of love left that i can recover? our relationship seems to be in fragments. but i can repair it, if only you let me. if only. if only. but i swear, i'll try. i feel like broken glass. i feel so shattered. forgive me for the cliche.

yosi on my lips, down my lungs, into my system, feels great. smoke is filling up my head.

i miss watching you smoke. you look so beautiful when you inhale the nicotine, close your eyes, and then slowly, slowly, shake your head. i miss your nose. cute, tiny, perfect.

[sa yosi, napaso ako sa lips.]

i miss your nose parin. slender, and sun-kissed. i miss your hair. i wish i could run my hands through it. i miss kissing you, and feeling your warm breath. don't think it's lust, baby. i'm just missing you a lot.

i wonder if we could still make a replay of all the times we spent together.

[the bastard keeps on talking to me, and he's making me lose my train of thought.]

train. train. train. suddenly i'm derailed.

[i don't wannabe rude. stop bothering me or i'll click that ignore button.]

it's so easy.

i miss you being so poetic. when you're drunk, you become poetic. who would've thought such eloquence could come out of you? must it really take 4 glasses of wengweng and 2bottles of sml? does the bassist have to have four hands just so you could tell me i'm the hottest girl you've ever met? thanks for the compliment. but do you still believe all the things you said? you were falling for me back then.

now, if you get drunk, what would you tell? i bet you'll scream and yell at me. for being so stupid and evil, as to hurt someone as innocent as you. i'm sorry. i shouldn't have hurt you. i had no reason to.

run to me when you feel lonely. please run to me. i wanna hold you when you're feeling lonely. i'll make you feel safe. i'll make you feel alright. i'll make things make sense again. i don't want to fight. i'm stripped of my defenses, no silver armour to protect me. you know who i am now. i'm not as strong as you think. i have the will, but i'm weak.

we scare each other, isn't that funny? but somehow, we manage to stay together. if you let me go, will it be easy?

[my hands are shaking. must be the nicotine.]

i love you, but you scare me. you scare me easily. i feel like some defenseless zoo animal being poked with a wooden stick when you say words to hurt me. and inside, the littleness in me cowers.

it's 3.17, i haven't lasted this long without talking to you. are you trying to go on 24 hours without communication? so im praying telepathy works. i wanna get to you. i wonder if you're thinking of me too.

over me yet? oh yeah, i bet.